I don’t know how to be happy.

It’s a tough day today.

I can’t feel anything today. Not physically, but emotionally. I have no feelings. I have nothing.

I’ve been staring at the ceiling. I tried to take a nap because I’m always tired, but I couldn’t sleep at all. I’m sitting here and I still can’t think of what to write.

This is what depression is. People like to think that we can just cheer up and shake it off, but we can’t. When I say it’s debilitating, I mean it. I cannot do anything.

The word ‘depression,’ gets thrown around all the time. And this is why the stigma of mental illness is so awful. Do you know how many times I have heard that someone is depressed because they were sad?

There are two definitions to be aware of here.

Continue reading “I don’t know how to be happy.”

Flashback

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself, my past, the future… I wonder how the new me will react to the current me. So on and so forth, which brings me to what I’ve thought about lately: high school. *shudder*

When I think back to high school, I don’t even consider the girl I was then to be the woman I am now. Would I be friends with her today? Maybe, maybe not. But there is a change in myself that I have learned grows over time.

Continue reading “Flashback”

Reflection

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on my blog. A long, long time. I told myself that I would use this as a way of coping with my mental illness – but instead, I’ve pushed it back into the hole I push all of my hobbies and interests into.

What many people don’t really understand about mental illness is how the mind tricks you into doing things that hurt you even more. There are days where I can’t get out of bed until the afternoon or night. There are days where I don’t put pants on, brush my teeth or hair, or leave my house once. There are days where my willpower isn’t even enough to turn on the tv to distract myself. There are days where I literally do nothing but stare at the wall or ceiling and cry. And every time I have one of those days, I know that doing nothing at all hurts it more. But sometimes it’s easier to let your mind win and just suffer.

And today, I’m just not going to let my mind win again.

Continue reading “Reflection”

New life motto: I AM Princess Leia

Today in therapy, I discussed my hatred for myself.

And in simplest terms, I view myself as a bad guy. I cause more harm than good, I feel like I’m a burden to everyone, and I know that if I could just be better – I would make everyone else’s life better too.

In a lot of ways, I feel like Darth Vader. I am mostly evil and selfish. I turned to the dark side, and I am a burden and a harm to everyone I meet.

My therapist listened to me and asked me, if I could be any character in Star Wars, who would I be?

Without question, I would be Princess Leia. She’s strong and brave. She’s beautiful. She’s sarcastic and funny. She’s honest. She is in charge. She can lead. She can do and be whoever she wants to be. She will fight for what she believes is right.

If I could be any character, I would be Leia. Instead, I feel like I’m Darth Vader.

So my homework this week, and my new life motto to tell myself on the hard days: I am Princess Leia.

I AM PRINCESS LEIA.

YOU ARE PRINCESS LEIA.

WE ARE PRINCESS LEIA.

Depression can be Darth Vader, but I will be Leia.

 

The trap that is my brain.

This is something that I’ve slowly started figuring out as I continue on my journey of self discovery: depression fucking sucks.

I cannot say it enough, it sucks. If depression could be a physical object, I would throw it in the nearest garbage can. I would take that garbage can to the dump. I would take that pile of trash, and I would burn it forever. And once it’s burned up and gone, I would probably light one more fire just to make sure that it never comes back again (but I would make sure the fire is contained because nobody wants wildfires).

Depression is so weird sometimes. It’s honestly so hard to explain to anybody that doesn’t suffer from it daily. It’s even hard to explain to myself or to others with depression as well because for each person, it looks and acts differently.

To put it simply: my brain is it’s own worst enemy. As Admiral Akbar would say, “It’s a trap!” Because sometimes, it is.

Continue reading “The trap that is my brain.”

The importance of encouragement.

I feel like sometimes I’m stuck in this belief that I have to be depressed each day just because I have depression. And yes, I am depressed some days and I just can’t get out of it. But today, I am not sad. I am not having an off day at all, in fact, in my own way – I’m having a good day.

And that minor victory, that is something I know I can be proud of.

Continue reading “The importance of encouragement.”

My truths for the bad days.

I’ve been pretty good with my progress so far. I moved here nearly two years ago and have since gotten a job(s), an apartment, a car, and can generally make it on my own.

However, I’ve realized lately that every day I am successful in something, I still struggle and fall backwards too.

My progression and growth is constantly going up and down. I climb up the mountain for days and days and days, and then one day I slip and I fall back a couple steps.

Today is one of those days.

Continue reading “My truths for the bad days.”