Reflection

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on my blog. A long, long time. I told myself that I would use this as a way of coping with my mental illness – but instead, I’ve pushed it back into the hole I push all of my hobbies and interests into.

What many people don’t really understand about mental illness is how the mind tricks you into doing things that hurt you even more. There are days where I can’t get out of bed until the afternoon or night. There are days where I don’t put pants on, brush my teeth or hair, or leave my house once. There are days where my willpower isn’t even enough to turn on the tv to distract myself. There are days where I literally do nothing but stare at the wall or ceiling and cry. And every time I have one of those days, I know that doing nothing at all hurts it more. But sometimes it’s easier to let your mind win and just suffer.

And today, I’m just not going to let my mind win again.

Since my last post, I have been officially diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. I have also developed an eating disorder that affects me daily. I have been taking anti-depressants daily. I also have to take medication to treat my anxiety up to three times a day along with two pills at night to stop the nightmares I have every single day.

To put it easily: my brain is fucked up.

I could go on a long hit list like Arya Stark and blame every single person or moment that caused this, but that doesn’t solve anything. I must move on, accept the hand I was dealt, and play it strategically.

Today, I got a shitty hand. But I played it as best as I could. I forced myself to take a shower. I played with my dog. I took my best friend to the airport. I visited my boyfriend at work. I worked on something I’ve been putting off. I didn’t do much, and I didn’t do what I set out to do this morning, but I did something today – and that is an achievement.

Here’s my tip for anyone who is struggling with mental illness: find your own Sam.

My wonderful boyfriend, Sam, has been unbelievably supportive of me throughout the past three years I have known and loved him. He encourages me, he inspires me, he treats me like a princess. He loves me more than any person has ever loved me. He loves me even when I feel the most unlovable.

Your Sam doesn’t have to be a boyfriend or girlfriend though. Your Sam can be your best friend. It can be your coworker. It can be me. I understand you. I see your strength, I know how hard it can be. It is so much easier to manage with a Sam, trust me.

A little tip from my Sam:

img_7481
Here’s my Sam.

 

  1. Close your eyes, breathe, and count to ten.
  2. Do some mindful meditation.
  3. Create something – color, draw, write, make, build.
  4. Know that it’s going to be ok. The sun will rise again.

I’m here for you. I hope your day is going well, and if it’s not – you always have tomorrow too. Just breathe!


-A

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