New life motto: I AM Princess Leia

Today in therapy, I discussed my hatred for myself.

And in simplest terms, I view myself as a bad guy. I cause more harm than good, I feel like I’m a burden to everyone, and I know that if I could just be better – I would make everyone else’s life better too.

In a lot of ways, I feel like Darth Vader. I am mostly evil and selfish. I turned to the dark side, and I am a burden and a harm to everyone I meet.

My therapist listened to me and asked me, if I could be any character in Star Wars, who would I be?

Without question, I would be Princess Leia. She’s strong and brave. She’s beautiful. She’s sarcastic and funny. She’s honest. She is in charge. She can lead. She can do and be whoever she wants to be. She will fight for what she believes is right.

If I could be any character, I would be Leia. Instead, I feel like I’m Darth Vader.

So my homework this week, and my new life motto to tell myself on the hard days: I am Princess Leia.

I AM PRINCESS LEIA.

YOU ARE PRINCESS LEIA.

WE ARE PRINCESS LEIA.

Depression can be Darth Vader, but I will be Leia.

 

The trap that is my brain.

This is something that I’ve slowly started figuring out as I continue on my journey of self discovery: depression fucking sucks.

I cannot say it enough, it sucks. If depression could be a physical object, I would throw it in the nearest garbage can. I would take that garbage can to the dump. I would take that pile of trash, and I would burn it forever. And once it’s burned up and gone, I would probably light one more fire just to make sure that it never comes back again (but I would make sure the fire is contained because nobody wants wildfires).

Depression is so weird sometimes. It’s honestly so hard to explain to anybody that doesn’t suffer from it daily. It’s even hard to explain to myself or to others with depression as well because for each person, it looks and acts differently.

To put it simply: my brain is it’s own worst enemy. As Admiral Akbar would say, “It’s a trap!” Because sometimes, it is.

Continue reading “The trap that is my brain.”