I’ve been pretty good with my progress so far. I moved here nearly two years ago and have since gotten a job(s), an apartment, a car, and can generally make it on my own.
However, I’ve realized lately that every day I am successful in something, I still struggle and fall backwards too.
My progression and growth is constantly going up and down. I climb up the mountain for days and days and days, and then one day I slip and I fall back a couple steps.
Today is one of those days.
So why am I posting this? Mainly because I need a release right now… but also because my therapist has been teaching me to re-train my brain. And by re-train it, she means to acknowledge my feelings but know the truths about life.
So here are my feelings: I am a worthless screw-up. I can’t do anything right and I don’t deserve the positive things I have in my life.
But here are the truths: This day will be over in just a few hours. The bad things cannot and will not last forever. I am not a screw up. I am loved.
I guess I’m writing this post so that when I have another day like today, where I fall off the wagon and struggle with my emotions, I can look back on this post and think, “yeah… I guess that’s true. It’s ok.” And by telling myself that it’s ok, even when I don’t feel like it is, it sort of helps me rationalize that it actually is ok. That the truth is: just because I do things that make self-loathing occur more often doesn’t mean that I’m not ok. It doesn’t make me bad.
Here’s a short summary of how today has gone –
I started the day off feeling bad. Not emotionally, but physically. However, when I feel bad physically, the emotional side of things tends to sort of creep in there too.
I took my anti-depressant. This is a victory in itself. Lately, I have been missing doses. I cannot miss my doses. Today I didn’t and this is a thing I know I can be PROUD OF. This is a truth for today.
I watched Dear Zachary, an emotional documentary that sort of made my emotional state worse. Great documentary, not great for my emotions.
My boyfriend left for work. I am now sitting here alone. I am always alone. I feel lonely. I am lonely. I have no friends. I hate myself.
I looked at my family’s social media accounts. I am depressed. I am miserable. I am worthless.
I got on my blog. I am better. I am stronger.
I texted my boyfriend. I am loved.
So, future Alaina (and anyone else that sort of needs this every now and then), when you’re having a bad day and you’ve dug yourself an even bigger hole of self-despair… here are your truths:
- Life sucks sometimes. It doesn’t mean you do.
- You are so loved. Your boyfriend and his family love you. Your puppy and your kitty love you. And one day, you will love you.
- Today will end and tomorrow is a brand new day. It can be anything you want it to be.
- Sometimes days will be hard. You are human, and that is ok.
- You have a reason to live.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to get this out for myself, but I’m so glad if it helps you at all too. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.