My truths for the bad days.

I’ve been pretty good with my progress so far. I moved here nearly two years ago and have since gotten a job(s), an apartment, a car, and can generally make it on my own.

However, I’ve realized lately that every day I am successful in something, I still struggle and fall backwards too.

My progression and growth is constantly going up and down. I climb up the mountain for days and days and days, and then one day I slip and I fall back a couple steps.

Today is one of those days.

So why am I posting this? Mainly because I need a release right now… but also because my therapist has been teaching me to re-train my brain. And by re-train it, she means to acknowledge my feelings but know the truths about life.

So here are my feelings: I am a worthless screw-up. I can’t do anything right and I don’t deserve the positive things I have in my life.

But here are the truths: This day will be over in just a few hours. The bad things cannot and will not last forever. I am not a screw up. I am loved.

I guess I’m writing this post so that when I have another day like today, where I fall off the wagon and struggle with my emotions, I can look back on this post and think, “yeah… I guess that’s true. It’s ok.” And by telling myself that it’s ok, even when I don’t feel like it is, it sort of helps me rationalize that it actually is ok. That the truth is: just because I do things that make self-loathing occur more often doesn’t mean that I’m not ok. It doesn’t make me bad.

Here’s a short summary of how today has gone –

I started the day off feeling bad. Not emotionally, but physically. However, when I feel bad physically, the emotional side of things tends to sort of creep in there too.

I took my anti-depressant. This is a victory in itself. Lately, I have been missing doses. I cannot miss my doses. Today I didn’t and this is a thing I know I can be PROUD OF. This is a truth for today.

I watched Dear Zachary, an emotional documentary that sort of made my emotional state worse. Great documentary, not great for my emotions.

My boyfriend left for work. I am now sitting here alone. I am always alone. I feel lonely. I am lonely. I have no friends. I hate myself.

I looked at my family’s social media accounts. I am depressed. I am miserable. I am worthless.

I got on my blog. I am better. I am stronger.

I texted my boyfriend. I am loved.

So, future Alaina (and anyone else that sort of needs this every now and then), when you’re having a bad day and you’ve dug yourself an even bigger hole of self-despair… here are your truths:

  1. Life sucks sometimes. It doesn’t mean you do.
  2. You are so loved. Your boyfriend and his family love you. Your puppy and your kitty love you. And one day, you will love you.
  3. Today will end and tomorrow is a brand new day. It can be anything you want it to be.
  4. Sometimes days will be hard. You are human, and that is ok.
  5. You have a reason to live.

 

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get this out for myself, but I’m so glad if it helps you at all too. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

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